Do not sit in front of your television, with 3-D glasses on, chomping on caramel popcorn, rooting for Gustav while watching the weather channel, saying: “go Gustav go. Get them all. Do it. Do it.”

No.

Instead, act like a gentleman and quietly turn on the weather channel. Upon seeing Gustav heading towards oil rigs, quickly turn the channel—then smirk (privately), as if you knew something that Woodshedder was ignorant of.

This way, you will comport yourself with dignity, while assuring to swell the ranks of your brokerage account balances.

Now, understand, prior to landfall, there will be many false alarms and misinformation being spread by those who are gay. Do not listen to them, for they are trying to take your coin. Have faith in the fact that Hurricane Gustav is heading for the gulf and is attracted to those rigs like a magnet to metal.

With my money, I am heavily long of (DIG: 21.42 -23.23%) , (IEO: 30.37 -17.02%) , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. (NOV: 17.86 -21.39%) and Arena Resources, Inc. (ARD: 17.95 -14.73%) .

Some of my smaller bets include: Ultra Petroleum Corp. (UPL: 35.61 -14.77%) , Global Industries, Ltd. (GLBL: 2.10 -16.33%) , Clean Energy Fuels Corp. (CLNE: 3.49 -14.25%) and GulfMark Offshore, Inc. (GLF: 22.10 -14.11%) .

The watch list, which can be bought, includes:

Valero Energy Corporation (VLO: 14.05 -14.59%) , Tesoro Corporation (TSO: 6.80 -19.91%) , NGAS Resources, Inc. (NGAS: 1.71 -15.35%) , GeoGlobal Resources Inc. (GGR: 1.17 -3.31%) , Transocean Inc. (RIG: 55.40 -17.28%) and Western Refining, Inc. (WNR: 5.75 -19.35%) .

However, remember these stocks are trades and should be treated as such, despite how much “The Fly” makes fun of you for selling before he does. Use your own judgment.

Aside from oil, I love the action in Equinix, Inc. (EQIX: 36.80 -10.55%) and Southern Copper Corporation (USA) (PCU: 9.19 -9.90%) .

I own them and would buy both with impunity, based upon “welfare cheap” valuations.